I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
