do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
only you would photoshop your dick
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
