the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
