I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
