I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
what the fuck happened to the tacos
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
