I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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