Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
