i need an iv and a liver transplant
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
