20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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