She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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