day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
