allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
