I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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