just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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