I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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