Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
