did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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