when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
