I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
