your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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