My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize