Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
wow bdsm is so cute
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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