I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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