This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
