seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
