We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
