so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
