my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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