i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
