She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i love accidental penises.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize