Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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