so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
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