standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
