May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize