if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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