it was like his penis was on wheels.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
