Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
