Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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