they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I deserve this hangover.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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