I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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