My liver just broke up with me...
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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