you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
