i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
