Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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