also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
