I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
