Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
