Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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