I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
