I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
