he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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