There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm sobbing to NWA
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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