The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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