Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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