it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
