WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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