I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
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