I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
