I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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