It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
