You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
