Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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